My parents have gone off to Portugal on a week's holiday today. It is exactly a year ago this week that they went off on the same excursion and came home to witness the above destruction.
It appeared at first that whichever parasites were responsible had come in through the roof by removing slates and lowering themselves into the loft. From here, it seemed that they had got into the bedroom by smashing their way down through the ceiling into firstly my Mum and Dad's room, followed by mine and my sister's old rooms, where there still remained many relics of our youth and more recent acquisitions.
This is where it gets weird. Whilst all three bedrooms had colossal structural damage in terms of the holes in the ceiling (which look as if the SAS have popped in to end a siege - see above), they actually took very little, if anything (in my room, the only visible item missing was an old Swatch watch that I'd not worn in over ten years anyway).
In Mum and Dad's room, there was jewellery scattered all over the place (including out on the roof itself - with yours truly being duly dispactched the same windswept evening to recover them) but it is difficult to see what the actual motive was? All they seemed to take were some of Mum's lounging tracksuits.
Anyway, my Dad's instinctive reaction was that of irrational over-reaction - stating that never again would the house be left empty whilst they are on holiday. When I enquired whether that meant he wanted me to assume a position of virtual house arrest, he started back-tracking.
As I left that night, I suggested that he might want to increase the number of motion sensors around the house that would have triggered the alarm. His reply was unequivocal:
"Bollocks to alarms... I'm getting machine-gun turrets installed in the walls!"
Let's see what happens this week...